Caveat Emptor Administratio

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In between penis enlargement, Viagra, erectile dysfunction, and free iPod emails clogging up my inbox, I received a warm email from my student loan provider, the federal government. It seems I’m overdue on my student loan payment. My loan is in forbearance. The email must’ve been a mistake.

I called Direct Loan Servicing customer service to let them know they made a mistake. 15 minutes later Belinda picked up. Belinda, an older sounding woman with gray hair I imagined, asked for a long list of information. Address. Telephone number. Birthday. So on. Information that’s already on my account but I get why.

When I got a chance to talk I said “My loan is in forbearance.”

“The period ended,” she said.

“I didn’t know that.”

“It ended already. This is not new information. You knew this already.” Suddenly she knows me on a personal level. I moved from patient customer to her child.

Since graduating from undergrad my life was been continually spiraling into a episode of The Simple Life: Interns. Shifting from “this is not a real job” nightmare to a “what the hell I am wearing and why I am here” workdays. Fortunately I was accepted into my graduate program to avoid paying my uber-rich uncle. Uncle started calling when I dropped down from 3 classes to 1 class. He, knowing I have the gift of telepathy, failed to call me before my loan  was due. Wait, no. He called and left a message (supposedly) stating to call a forgettable person at a forgettable 800 number (see bullshit).

In the words of my favorite YouTuber Beeper246,”I don’t have it today and I won’t have it tomorrow. I don’t even know what I did with the d#mn money.”

“I wanna know do ya’ll harass all the bleep ya’ll give food stamps to and cash assistance to and Section 8 to. I bettered myself with my money. They just spending it.”

(repost from my old blog)


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