Tag Archives: dlisted

Writer Cover Letters That Bombed #1

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Since I discovered that I wanted to write professionally, I have sought out countless writing jobs. Thousands actually. I searched through my Gmail to count how many cover letters I have emailed to potential employers. Ninety-nine percent of the cover letters are pure trash. So I decided to share them. People, learn from my mistakes.

Cover to DListed.com

Greetings Michael K,

Amanda Bynes is the only person more qualified than me for this job, but she is preoccupied at the moment standing outside Drake’s hotel room since I forwarded her his exact location.

Imagine if Bieber had the charisma of Mario Lopez, and he was a journalist, that visual summarizes who I am. A focused writer with a magnetic personality who is a pop culture devotee. I can’t leave my house without logging onto Dlisted (or TMZ. Bad habit, I know. Don’t judge me). Some of the names that I have recently interviewed include Icona Pop, Skylar Grey, Ester Dean, and Pedro Almodovar.

I have experience working with tight deadlines from home and the office. Also, I have experience interviewing and reporting on musicians as well as blogging about lifestyle and cultural events like (mentally) anal probing Hot Sluts of the Day. Key skills that I bring to the table include tight editing, quick deadline writing, content generation/pitching, self-discipline, known knowledge of pop culture, an eye for target-audience writing, and most importantly, how to give face.

To see my work, I have attached two interviews and a blog post for you to peruse.

If you need more information, please feel free to email me at horriblewriter@gmail.com.

Always,

Victor Yates

P.S. Since I live in L.A., I die every time I see Angelyne and her pink car (that’s not a vagina euphemism). I cry a little every time I see Bobby Trendy being utterly untrendy. However my life won’t be complete until I see Chicken Cutlets eating at the KFC on Hollywood Blvd.

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snapshots of an unpublished life

tuesday

9:30am

my cell phone rings. it’s birthday boy. i look at his name. i reach to press the talk button and stop myself. i’m not answering his calls. i’ll call him tomorrow. birthday boy said we’d hang out saturday when we talked on wednesday. we talked on thursday and friday. saturday-nothing. sunday-nothing. he called monday twice. i didn’t answer. i think two days of silent treatment is enough to generate a new brain cell for birthday boy to remember victor hates being stood up.

10am

i sent my editor the seventh draft of my query letter yesterday. i got an im from him saying he didn’t get it. i forwarded him the email and sent the query letter in fragments through im.

10:05am

read dlisted

New York Apartment

11am

on a depression scale i feel very dickinson almost peeking to hemingway

12:30pm

i print out chapter 15. i made a note to myself to revise chapter 15. chapter 15 was chapter 2 in the first draft of my book. it’s one of my favorites. it talks about the oppression of gays through two historical characters

2pm

i finish working on chapter 15 and move to 20. chapter 20 is not a favorite chapter of mine.

4pm

my editor hasn’t responded yet.

4:30pm

chpater 20 is becoming a favorite chapter.

5pm

i finished 20 and move to 23.

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