Tag Archives: in the life


, originally uploaded by only-connect.

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Carnival at Fort-de-France

Carnival at Fort-de-France, originally uploaded by ZOBEL *.

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The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Gay Man

spanish man road crosser

Image by jbiddulph.com via Flickr

I walked in knowing I shouldn’t have gone. Gay clubs are depressing when you don’t drink and when you’re alone. I met a guy, a Spanish guy, name Alberto, last Thursday at a straight bar. He grabbed my shirt as I walked by. We danced together. He wanted to dance. I didn’t. It was so uncomfortable. I imagined no one was looking. Alberto sent me a text message. I’m going to the club. I want to see you I responded. He didn’t respond back. I called. He didn’t pick up. I decided to go. Two the women at the cash register gestured with her fingers. Her hair was teased and gelled and curled in a circa 1980’s redneck do. I looked at around. The red lights accentuated the smiles of the older men at the closest bar. The older men were posted at the front bar. Inside, the younger men crowded around the larger bar. I passed two empty rooms. The feeling in my stomach dropped. I couldn’t see Alberto. I scanned the front of the bar. Henry. I could spot Henry anywhere. Henry is a man I see off and on. I knew I would see him. Even though he claims he hates the gay club. He whispered in the ear of a waif twink. The feeling tightened. I wanted to leave. I looked back at the red room. A hat floating caught my eye. Between the hat, a cute, chubby face. Alberto. He walked into the other room, circled the bar, walked past Henry, gave him a look of recognition, and walked around. We hugged. I think I going to leave I said. I just got here. I need a drink he said. He walked to the bar in the red room. I pulled out a chair in between both rooms. Henry was gone. I looked over. I couldn’t see Alberto. I saw Henry talking to a different man. I walked behind me. I wanted him to hug me. He walked to my side, in front of me, and turned around. I didn’t see you he said. Whatever I said. He extended his arms out. I turned away. Don’t be shady he said. I hugged him the way I wanted to hug Alberto. Tight. Close. Intimate. I wish more gay men hugged like this. I called you. You didn’t pick up he said. Whatever I said. Don’t he said. I’m leaving in a minute. Let me find my friend and I’ll leave too. I looked around for Albeurto. All I saw were single men everywhere. I felt disgusted. Why aren’t more gay men in relationships? I looked around again. There was nothing else left to see.

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alkebulan: a poem

Day, Fred Holland (1864-1933) - 1897 ca. - Bla...

Fred Holland

(for Rodney)

he poses in the bathroom mirror
head tilted left
benson and hedges cigarette pressed
against dark lips

white towel around his waist
he smears foam shaving cream
little strokes, cut
memories of our mothers

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dancing on the dl

WeHoHalloween07-170, originally uploaded by PinkMafiaRadio.

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the wink and the nod: a poem

Singapore Night Club

Copyright Abrilon

I wait for it
the wink and the nod

hand to waist
it’s dark enough
for this to be ok

come this way
no come this way
he walks his way

if I walk his way
we might be seen

he walks back by
hand to waist
a nod
come this way
no come my way
he walks my way

he takes my hand
and we’re dancing
this is the first time
I’ve done anything like this

is this the right place

for two men to stand

so close




(Updated May 14, 2011)

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Riding in Cars With Girls

I’m a listener. Listening is a natural ability I have. The sound of another person’s voice. The subtlety of a hand dropping a pen to a legal pad. Language. Body language. I hear the things most people don’t catch.

My friends, Tracey and Becky, are sitting in the backseat. Tracey says Psalm 37. I tune out “Que Me Coma El Tigre” and listen. I getting a tattoo of Psalm 37 on Sunday. Psalm 37 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

God will give you everything you want Tracey says.

In prayer, God or the deity you pray to, is the listener. Does God listen to gay people? I ask myself that question sometimes. Churches draw a line between the bible and gay sin. You can’t be gay and believe in God. As a gay man, I can’t distinguish the two. I’m a spiritual person. I pray. I meditate. I workout. I think spirituality has more than one appearance – what happens in church. There are so many more layers to it.

An image of Psalm 23 (King James' Version), fr...

Image via Wikipedia

I have a great respect for the bible. I think it’s very romantic like poetry, especially Psalms. The Psalms are my favorite. “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Only a poet could write that. The desires of your heart – to desire is to listen to that inner voice within.

I wish I could desire women. It would make life so much easier. I love looking at beautiful women. Beauty is beauty. My heart, that inner voice, desires another man to listen to me complain about nothing in particular.

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