darcy: a poem

each step. his face turns away from me.

it couldn’t be from anywhere else.

forever. to say. he turns sideways.

for now. he means.

i know forever is never forever.

can you handle me for now he says.

love txt 1/12/09

really miss sleeping beside you. stay safe.

r.s.

Push, Sapphire novel turned screenplay, a must see

The novel by Sapphire

I was living in Ann Arbor at the time. A friend, who happened to be a drag king recommended I read Push. I had never heard of the book or the author, Sapphire. I loved the cover, brick red background, bold black letters, simple. The first page had me. Claireece Precious Jones, the main character, grabbed me by the hand and told me not to let go. I didn’t. Claireece is repeatedly raped by father and abused by her mother. “Poor, angry, illiterate, fat, unloved and generally unnoticed,” she finds a way out and tries to better understand her life as it is. Sapphire writes with such a beauty that is painfully vivid. I held my breath reading some of the pages.

I’ve been running away from Claireece’s, Eisha’s, Tameka’s, and Tyrone’s since I graduated from high school. Claireece could have been my neighbor when I was 8 or 18. She lives in the ghetto. My family lived in the ghetto at two very different times of my life. I am still running. Trying to escape the hardship that my mother and grandmother and relatives faced through writing.

I had no idea Push was being turned into a movie. Neither was it being directed by Lee Daniels. Lee Daniels is a outspoken gay Black writer, producer (Monster’s Ball), and director (Shadow Boxer) known for his crazy Maxwell-esque hair. I remember reading an article about him in Vibe magazine years ago about one of his current projects at the time. Two years ago I went to see the premiere of his movie, Shadowboxer with Helen Mirren, Mo’Nique, and Cuba Gooding Jr. in LA. I was excited to hear that he directed and co-produced Push.

Oprah calls Push the next Color Purple. I’m wondering why isn’t their more money behind this project. I haven’t even heard any bloggers talking about it. The buzz at Sundance was that Mo’Nique might be considered for an Oscar for her performance in the movie. Mo’Nique has developed a gainful relationship with Daniels and so has Mariah Carey. Carey plays Krystal in the highly antipated Tennessee, which Daniels produced. Tennesse is directed by Aaron Woodley. The movie was premiered at the Tribeca Film Festival and showed at the Urbanworld Film Festival.

Tennesse is the film that Janet Jackson gained weight for “and then had to drop out b/c they moved production. Sounds like bull to me. But it’s funny that they replaced her with Mariah, who isn’t gaining any special weight for it seemingly. Guess she’s big enough,” said sledwidge on IMDb’s Message Board.

Clareece 'Precious' Jones played Gabourey Sidibe

Push stars Gabourey Sidibe, Paula Patton, Mo’Nique, Mariah Carey, Sherri Shepherd, and Lenny Kravitz. How did I not hear about this project? Claireece Precious Jones is portrayed by Gabourey Sidibe, a new actress from Harlem. Push is slated to be released later this year. Coincidentally, there’s another film titled Push with Djimon Hounsou and Dakota Fanning that has released last week. Hounsou’s Push is a Sci-Fi thriller about young kids with special powers.

Push is the recipient of the Grand Jury Prize: U.S. Dramatic, the Audience Award presented by Honda: U.S. Dramatic, and A Special Jury Prize for Acting at the Sundance Film Festival and was nominated for Best Trailer by the Golden Trailer Awards. It’s one of only three films to win both the Audience Dramatic and Jury Awards at Sundance.

Vincent (Starry Starry Night)

Vincent (Starry Starry Night) by Don McLean
Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey

Look out on a summer’s day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they’ll listen now

Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent’s eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist’s loving hand

Chorus:
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can’t forget.
Like the stranger that you’ve met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will.

Obama to End Military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Policy

WASHINGTON — President-elect Barack Obama will allow gays to serve openly in the military by overturning the controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that marred President Clinton’s first days in office, according to incoming White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

The startling pronouncement, which could re-open a dormant battle in the culture wars and distract from other elements of Obama’s agenda, came during a Gibbs exchange with members of the public who sent in questions that were answered on YouTube.

“Thadeus of Lansing, Mich., asks, ‘Is the new administration going to get rid of the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy?’” said Gibbs, looking into the camera. “Thadeus, you don’t hear a politician give a one-word answer much. But it’s, ‘Yes.’”

The Obama transition team declined to elaborate on that one-word answer when asked by FOX News on Wednesday about a timetable for repealing the policy, which was enacted by Clinton after a protracted public debate. Obama officials also would not explain which lawmakers or Pentagon officials would attempt to repeal “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

Clinton, who initially sought to overturn the longstanding ban on gays in the military, ended up enacting the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy as a compromise that made it illegal for commanders to ask about the sexual orientation of service members, who were also barred from announcing they were homosexual. If a service member’s homosexuality becomes known anyway, he or she is expelled.

Clinton is widely viewed as having stumbled during his first days in office by getting caught up in the raging controversy, which detracted from the rest of his agenda. It is not yet clear whether Obama would face a similar debacle.

For years, Obama has said he generally opposes the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Last summer, he told a gay magazine he can “reasonably” see it being repealed. But that was a far cry from Gibbs’ unequivocal promise that the policy will indeed be ended.

The gay community is eager for a quick repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell,” but fears it could be months before the new administration reaches a consensus with lawmakers and the military. Others think Obama could do it quickly, but is leery of the kind of fallout Bill Clinton faced when he tackled the divisive issue.

FOX News’ Carl Cameron contributed to this report.

Proposition 8: Al Sharpton: Churches should focus on social woes, not gay marriage

New York activist Al Sharpton is of course the latest to join the Proposition 8 parade. In a speech over the weekend, he questioned why churches that backed the ban on gay marriage aren’t focusing on bigger issues such as violence and poverty. From the Southern Voice website:

From the pulpit of Tabernacle Baptist Church on Sunday, Rev. Al Sharpton called out the Mormon Church and other conservative faiths for mobilizing to support Proposition 8 to ban gay marriage in California while refusing to be as involved in any other social concerns.

“It amazes me when I looked at California and saw churches that had nothing to say about police brutality, nothing to say when a young black boy was shot while he was wearing police handcuffs, nothing to say when they overturned affirmative action, nothing to say when people were being delegated into poverty, yet they were organizing and mobilizing to stop consenting adults from choosing their life partners,” Sharpton told a packed audience on Jan. 11.

“There is something immoral and sick about using all of that power to not end brutality and poverty, but to break into people’s bedrooms and claim that God sent you,” Sharpton added.

–Shelby Grad

project angels on Casco Antiguo (17): at one thread view #4

project angels on Casco Antiguo (17): at one thread view #4, originally uploaded by Ĝiøvanni.

Harlem Ballroom

Harlem Ballroom, originally uploaded by peaceandmedia.

the empty seat at the table

i looked at my cell phone. mom called. i didn’t hear the phone ring. i purposely set the ring to silent. hearing merry Christmas or happy anything makes me a bundle of nerves. the holidays remind me of family. i try to distance my family to keep the unspoken things between us unspoken. how do you articulate mom i’m gay over the Christmas turkey. that’s why i have never brought a woman home for the holidays. holidays are too awkward as a gay black man. there’s always an empty seat at the table.

i tend to disappear around the holidays. they remind me how lonely gay life can be. the longest relationship i’ve had lasted one year. we were young and thought we loved each other. i think we loved the idea of being intimate more. relationship building was a foreign language to me.

my dislike for holidays started in 99. my boyfriend and i were in college. we were inseparable. i was supposed to spend the holiday with my family. i decided to spend time with my boyfriend instead. he had an apartment off-campus. i remember calling my grandmother saying that i would call her on Christmas eve. i didn’t call her. i didn’t call on Christmas either. i called the day after Christmas. i said i would call her the next day. i didn’t. i stayed at my boyfriend’s apartment until new years day. we watched the countdown on TV drinking Asti Spumanti champagne (I threw the cork and label away two years ago) and fell asleep on his fire engine red sofa bed.  i caught the bus to my grandmother’s house. the garage door was open. i  saw grandma on the cordless phone talking. she looked up at me, jumped up, and gave me a big hug in tears. i thought someone had died. she thought something had happened to me because i didn’t call her. that stayed with me for a long time.

an accidental approach: a poem

an accidental approach

red lights mute faces

he’s facing me

an awkward pause

i can’t make him want me

a handshake then an embrace

i can’t make him want me

Snowing Milan 2008 DuomoXmas

Snowing Milan 2008 DuomoXmas, originally uploaded by skymino.

so many lights.

things that piss me off about black people

Aurora della Croix's The Gullible Girl's Guide to Gagging the Down-low Brother

i subscribe to a pr listserv, blacknews.com. i get emails everyday about news in the black community. sometimes i get gems like an article about farrah gray (or dr. farrah gray – it’s honorary so it doesn’t really count). i normally just delete it when i see it. i didn’t today. perusing the article titles, down-low jumped out at me. i have always hated that word. i clicked the article title link. “Down-Low Brothers Watch Out — The Holy Grail for Women of Color Has Arrived.”

the following article popped up:

Down-Low Brothers Watch Out — The Holy Grail for Women of Color Has Arrived

New York, NY (BlackNews.com) – AdC Publishing released a reference guide for women of color, which is destined to be a #1 Bestseller in the African-American and Latino communities.

Aurora della Croix’s The Gullible Girl’s Guide to Gagging the Down-low Brother! is indeed a mouth full; however, coupled with this alliterated mammoth title, comes an eye and ear full of valuable information for women of color.

Engaging…brilliantly written…an easy read, this raw…witty…sexy…and sometimes erotic tour de force is the first volume of a double volume set, and has been coined the holy grail for women of color who desire to increase their knowledge about the down-low brother (DLB).

Della Croix embraces the reader on an one-on-one level, and leads her/him on a lyrical journey through time and back. Along the way, della Croix tackles labels, as he candidly dispel some of the myths about men…straight, gay and down-low. Combining various ingredients such as self-help mantras, psychology, historical facts, anecdotes, fantasy, and profiles; sprinkled with an abundance of humor, this recipe ensures the reader is well-seasoned and empowered for entry into the sweltering, and abysmal black-hole known as the DLB psyche. A successful journey through this first volume arms the reader with the necessary basic tools and knowledge to defend herself against the chicanery of her current or future DLB.

Aurora della Croix is a native son of New York, the youngest of 11 children; and for eight years, he called Orangeburg, South Carolina, the birthplace of his mother, his home. He always had a passion for writing, and in 1989, he wrote, directed and produced his first off-Broadway play, “The Thin Line”, at the Sanford Meisner Theatre in New York City, which documented a confusing period in his life. The success of this play set him on the track to becoming one of the most entertaining authors and playwrights of the 21st Century, with a plethora of unpublished works ready to hit the presses, including the sequel to the current published title, a collection of poetry, a trilogy about a dysfunctional family, and an epic novel set in the 1700s which tells the story of a very suspect connection and bond between two southern families–a slave family, and the family of a tobacco and cotton plantation.

For now, you can purchase Volume One of The Gullilble Girl’s Guide to Gagging the Down-low Brother! for $8.95 at www.gulliblegirl.net

the down-low is a word that was created with hate (see r. kelly) and synonymous with j.l. king. straight black women hurl it around now like pleased to meet you. every man who is educated, dresses well, and attractive is suspected of being on the dl or down low. it’s aggravating. the idea of black masculinity is intertwined with underline stereotypes of black male identity. whenever i see that word something triggers in me. i think too many authors use that word to cash in on its supposed meaning.

i got all the way to the aurora’s bio (i have always been bothered by people you name their children aurora) and stopped when i read the word he. i read the first line “Aurora della Croix is a native son of New York, the youngest of 11 children; and for eight years, he called.” i missed native son. then i googled aurora. i didn’t get anyway. i went to the website listed in the article. you have to register pre-order information to get into the site. i just want to know why. obviously, aurora is a man. i understand that. what kind of man, i don’t know. that really doesn’t matter. why do gay men go after each other so viciously to add to the already demeaning and self-destroying dialogue.

i want a funeral for the down low and dl. the d word.

i have so many questions.

1. are you trans aurora?

2. why is the word gagging in your book title aurora (i should have known something was fishy when i read that word)?

3. who designed your book cover (they need they’re computer to be smashed into a million little pieces and forced to take a graphic design class)?

4. why?

5. i need pictures ( i know that isn’t a question)

6. della Croix? Really?

vogueunderground

, originally uploaded by only-connect.

writing for the new gay black male writer

yesterday it just felt like this thing was missing from out of my body. i just wanted to sleep.

i started writing a book four years ago. i had no idea it would take four years to complete. i was working at a public library and lonely. books became my bedside companion after my boyfriend stopped talking to me. i was walking to another library. it was late evening. i saw a man walking toward me. the man’s face was shadowed. a cigarette was in his mouth. he pulled out a lighter and lit the cigarette. that inspired me to write my first sentence. i wanted to base the book off my experiences with my ex-boyfriend. that’s all i knew.

i didn’t know what i was doing. my sentences read like the romantic poets and writers my senior year high school teacher loved sharing with her students. jargon connected to jargon. reading it now, i had no idea what i was saying. i wasn’t writing for my generation. writing for your generation is important as a writer. your audience will get bored if they can’t follow your ideas. i had a great editor to tell me that. over a hundred drafts later, i’m done.

the metal dog: a poem

dog collars are to control

black, something written on it, in silver

he walked past

i picked him up

men shouldn’t be so heavy

the great debaters

put me in front of a group of people and i start to shake. my hands were shaking on stage, literally. i had to put my note cards down. i saw terror in myself. then i remembered – breathe. i rehearsed at home. breathe. i rehearsed on the way to the office. breathe. breathe victor, i told myself. i didn’t need to look at my notes after that. an hour later i had the migraine of migraines. i laid down around 9. my cell phone rang. it was mr. egyptian wannabe. mr. egyptian wannabe lives in new york. people always have to guess what his ethnicity is.

so you aren’t watching the debate, he said. i’m in pain, i said. don’t tell anyone that, he said. i got up, went to cnn.com, and clicked on the live broadcast.

i wasn’t interested in watching this debate. the vice presidential debate was more worth watching to me. the highlight of the show was when the facilitator, gwen ifill asked senator biden:

Do you support, as they do in Alaska, giving same-sex benefits to couples?

biden said: Absolutely. Do I support granting same-sex benefits? Absolutely positively. Look, in an Obama-Biden administration, there will be absolutely no distinction from a constitutional standpoint or a legal standpoint between a same-sex and a heterosexual couple.

The fact of the matter is that under the Constitution we should be granted — same-sex couples should be able to have visitation rights in the hospitals, joint ownership of property, life insurance policies, et cetera. That’s only fair.

It’s what the Constitution calls for. And so we do support it. We do support making sure that committed couples in a same-sex marriage are guaranteed the same constitutional benefits as it relates to their property rights, their rights of visitation, their rights to insurance, their rights of ownership as heterosexual couples do.

i was running on the treadmill. i had to slow down. i started crying. sometimes my friends make fun of me for being so unemotional about things. this was big. it was like a thousand champagne bottles popping all at once.

Then ifill asked senator biden:

Do you support gay marriage?

biden said: No. Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes marriage. We do not support that. That is basically the decision to be able to be able to be left to faiths and people who practice their faiths the determination what you call it.

The bottom line though is, and I’m glad to hear the governor, I take her at her word, obviously, that she think there should be no civil rights distinction, none whatsoever, between a committed gay couple and a committed heterosexual couple. If that’s the case, we really don’t have a difference.

breathe, i told myself. i don’t shape my life around washington, around politics, around speeches, around the things speak say. i shape my life around my own experiences, my own ideas, what i know is true.

what does marriage represent? does marriage represent love? does it represent happy ever after? does it represent commitment? marriage is a ceremony that can be held at city hall for $25. how can you put a value on love. little boys, most little boys anyway, don’t grow up dreaming to get married. at twenty-coughs, do i want to get married? i don’t know. a marriage ceremony, a marriage license, a preacher, the works, wouldn’t change the way i felt about my partner but i would like to have a choice.

i was reminded what spanish prime minister jose luis rodriguez zapatero said during his state of the nation address:

I will never understand those who proclaim love as the foundation of life, while denying so radically protection, understanding and affection to our neighbors, our friends, our relatives, our colleagues. What kind of love is this that excludes those who experience their sexuality in a different way?

in reference to roe vs. wade, last night obama said:

…I am somebody who believes that Roe versus Wade was rightly decided. I think that abortion is a very difficult issue and it is a moral issue and one that I think good people on both sides can disagree on. But what ultimately I believe is that women in consultation with their families, their doctors, their religious advisers, are in the best position to make this decision. And I think that the Constitution has a right to privacy in it that shouldn’t be subject to state referendum…

…So this is going to be an important issue. I will look for those judges who have an outstanding judicial record, who have the intellect, and who hopefully have a sense of what real-world folks are going through.

I’ll just give you one quick example. Sen. McCain and I disagreed recently when the Supreme Court made it more difficult for a woman named Lilly Ledbetter to press her claim for pay discrimination.

For years, she had been getting paid less than a man had been paid for doing the exact same job. And when she brought a suit, saying equal pay for equal work, the judges said, well, you know, it’s taken you too long to bring this lawsuit, even though she didn’t know about it until fairly recently.

We tried to overturn it in the Senate. I supported that effort to provide better guidance to the courts; John McCain opposed it.

equal pay. a woman’s choice. supreme court nominee. what has to happen for the gay marriage debate to get equal billing?

polaroid trip: sometimes i wish life was easier

polaroid trip, originally uploaded by amnesiak1978™.

Resources for Black Gay and Lesbian Writers

The Damaged Good, G. Winston James

PUBLISHERS

• Redbone Press (Specifically seeks out Black gay and lesbian writers)
• Cleis Press (Largest LGBT small press)
• Strebor (Author Zane’s imprint with Simon & Schuster)
• Alyson Books (Largest LGBT press)
• Vintage Entity Press (Small chapbook press with an impressive collection of Black gay and lesbian authors)
• Tugson Press (Very small Black and Gay publisher found by Leo Shelton)

PUBLISHERS RECOMMENDED BY LAMBDA

• Akashic Books
• Anchor Books
• Arsenal Pulp Press
• Beacon Press
• Columbia University Press
• Duke University Press
• The Feminist Press
• Graywolf Press
• HarperCollins
• Houghton Mifflin
• Hyperion Books
• Ken Arnold Books
• Kensington
• New York University Press
• Palgrave Macmillan
• Paris Press
• The Permanent Press
• Pilgrim Press
• Random House Children’s Division
• Scholastic
• Simon & Schuster Children’s Division
• Softskull Press
• South End Press
• St. Martins
• St. Martins – Minotaur
• St. Martins – Tor
• University of Chicago Press
• University of Minnesota Press
• University of Wisconsin Press
• Windstorm Creative

MAGAZINES

• Pulse
• Bleu

LITERARY CONFERENCES

• Fire and Ink (Devoted to increasing the understanding, visibility and awareness of the works of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender writers of African descent and heritage)

WEBSITES

• Queer Type (One of my favorite sites for writing leads and magazine and novel submissions)
• Lambda Literary Foundation and Book Report (Writing leads and news concerning LGBT writers)
• Publishing Triangle (Association for LGBT writers in publishing)

**Will update every month**

everything sounds like confrontation (today)

the screen on my cell phone is cracked. i can’t tell who’s calling until i flip it open. his name pops up. “happy birthday,” i say. “thanks,” he says. “how was your weekend?” the way he says thanks is a question itself. i have wanted to tell him on some many different days that i am gay. reactions scare me. the thought of someone knowing and not being able to deal with it is part of the scary things. the things that make me not get to close to my coworkers. the thing that makes me push my family away. my sister has called me at least fifteen times last week and twice today.

when i was 16, my sister told my mother if any of her brothers were gay she’d kill them. i was laying next to her at the time. it sounded like a question. sometimes, as a gay man, everything sounds like confrontation.

“i went to the bar with my cousin. i had a good time actually,” i say. “cool,” he says. “then we went to the club. i love the music they play there.” “cool,” he laughs. i wonder if his laugh changes with his girlfriend. it’s cute. a chuckle with part of it held in.

“i’m pulling up to her house. we’ll talk later.” “have a good night.” “good night.”

i go back to typing. the phone rings. it’s him again. “hello.” “i’m coming up,” he’s singing. i hear a ripping sound or a sound that sounds like ripping. he’s adjusting something or pushing something in or out. more rustling. the call ends.

mirror mirror or black beauty

I, originally uploaded by Caravaggio Araki.